Out of Motivation

Just finished half of my project report. At least got the structures layer out. I'm fucking beat! Feeling very sian and somewhat emotional. Good thing we have blogging. It is a good avenue to release stress, ya?
Goodness me, I am becoming more like a woman. Need to expense 10000 words per day (As commented in Allan and Barbara Pease's book) to release the grueling toll of everyday pressure.

The cold late night air have struck me again together with the chilling brisk scent of the cooling wind, I'm not positive but it smells familiar. It once again reminds me of old times. Times that are lost forever, times that are now...memories of a past lives. Can't believe I am never going to be that carefree again. Loaded with tons of burden on my back. Somehow, it makes me want to cry. Must be getting old. Ha ha. Maybe I will forget this feeling and go back to my "current" self in the morning later on; maybe I will only remember if these “smell" of freedom hits me again in the future.















Freedom. A very broad and misunderstood concept, which everybody wants, but most can never acquire it. Just what is freedom? Moreover, free from what? Does being rich means freedom? Some might says yes. Gives you power and capabilities to carry out and achieve your dreams. Does starting your own business or family give you freedom? Why not. You work when you want, start and stop anytime you like and don't have to be under any cruel and demanding boss. You impose your own ground rules in your family for you and your kids making certain that evryone is safe and healthy. But in the end does it all matters? Does all of this give you satisfaction? The only true freedom is void.
Perhaps becoming a monk or nun is the only way to achieve true freedom. Free from the expectations of this so-called civilization. This inter-related system that binds us (And all our debts and worries) together. But hey, even the religious abbot and cleric drives a Merc or Bmw, carrying the latest cell phone models nowadays. Not to mention some even became a celebrity performer. What the arse is going on man!! Can our next generation survive in this ever-competitive society? Only time will reveal.

Gone were the days when all we really concern about is who is dating who in school. Where shall we go to "wet" on friday night? Our worries free days are over. Don't mind me; it's just the silentness of the red-tainted sky night that's messing with my mind. A familiar scent has infected me with wanderlust. Gone were the days where I would roam the streets until the wee morning hours, seeking comfort in the coolness of the midnight breeze. I know that I could never be free again...unless I abandon my burden, my lifestyle, my family to be a ...wanderer once more. Similarly, it applies to you guys as well. Will we truly be able to live the rocker dream someday? Sigh.

My brothers and sisters...cherish your lives cos it will be gone before you realized it. Somehow, I feel I am not living mine to the fullest. This mid-dawn draft is really messing with my thoughts and feeling!!! Hope we can create the opportunity to have coffee together during the late night hours at one of those Saat places again. My erratic heart is pounding furiously. Been enslaved by the ropes of acceptable society measures for too long.

Now...the only comfort I find most reassuring is in the arms of my beloved angel. The only place in the world, the only comfort zone that has not eluded me yet. The only heaven on earth where I can, stay away from the worries of the world.

Think I really need to chio you people out for coffee and remise old times or else I'll go insane. Ha Ha. Not young anymore. Just like to stay on bed, watch TV and cuddle with the missy. I can't possibly reciprocate what I did during my youth whereby I would suddenly feel bored at this hours and go straight to KL to meet up with friends, can I? Hopefully we could start living our dreams and aspiration again someday instead of slaving for the next meal.

I think true freedom means ..."Live to eat, not eat to live".
Cheers.

(Soft sweet dramatic music with surround sound encode with digital binary backup fading slowly and steadily while engulf with Sony hi-resolution Dolby system in the background)

Marsiling Jetty

Went to marsiling jetty for a drink (Carlsberg) by myself recently. How long has it been since any of you jokers swing by the place? Man...the scenery is as breathtaking as ever. Just for a moment now,...close your eyes and feel. Feel the sea breeze brushing through your hair as it erodes onto your skin, whispering the silent noise of the distant cries. Imagine yourself there as I was then...can you hear it? Can you feel it? Come on lah...at least make an effort for Pete's sake!!! Wait...there it is again...much louder, more vibrant this time. Know what it is? It is the wind of change, people. The wind of ever changing.

The scene over the causeway is different now. I no longer see the "Salem" or "Marlboro" billboard sign, in its vicinity instead, it's "Akira" and "Maxis". Old building being demolished, new ones surged up in its place. The ever-changing society some say. The constant improvement of man-made environment. Makes you wonder at this point...when is it OUR turn to make way for others? Never thought about it? On the other hand, don't bother thinking about it? There is a different. The former is called ignorance; the latter is called self-deception. Why think bout such stuff if it makes you unhappy right? This is called avoidance. One of these attitudes will make you well prepared; the other ones will lead to destructions.

Hey, I'm thinking bout stuff like this and much worse everyday and you don't see me taking depression pills right? I'm prepared for the worse but I won't go down without a fight. So the point is...be prepared people for anything out of the ordinary. Just my way of going one big round to show my care and concern for you bunch of jokers. Remember one thing (Time for my finishing quote now):


IT'S NOT THE FALL THAT'S HARD

IT'S THE GETTING UP AFTER


Alright I am done for today. The photo above is taken 6 years ago. Compare it to what it has developed into today. Man its bloody hot tonight. Nothing changes it seems but slowly yet surely, it is slipping us by without our knowing.

Man United Vs Newcastle

The match is being broadcast live on the tube now. Quite exciting, especially the cries of glory outside my house when Man U scored their second goal. It is time like this that soccer frantic conjugate to watch their heroes trying to thrash their opponents. You can hear their screams echoing across the entire blocks of flats nearby. During world cup season, it can be deafening. So what if the team you are supporting win? Unless you bet on Kick, it doesn't really make a difference right?

Though I do enjoy soccer, I have not been able to luxuriate in it since Brazil lost 3-0 to France during the second last world cup finals. Really kelong man! Even though I am not a Brazil fan, but so obvious by looking at the way the players performed. It is all bout money these days. So what does bringing home the golden globe do for you? Glory? Respect? But it doesn't pay your rents. Look at all those superstars of soccer like David Beckham or Zidane. Who would have thought by chasing a ball round an enclosed field that you would be earning millions back in the 80's? The period in time whereby your papa and mama scolded you for wasting time on soccer and basketball, forcing you to concentrate more on your studies instead. Maybe they're kicking themselves in the butt now. Doesn't matter if you win or lose. Just score some critical and beautiful goals now and then. I should have devoted myself to soccer when I was in my teen's man. What a waste!

Old Associate on Msn

I chatted with an old classmate on msn today. Is the word chatting even appropriate? Maybe I should type it down as “exchanging of words by typing” instead.
Why are people even using such phrases as “chatting on the internet”? Isn't that what is referred to as politically incorrect? I'm not sure but correct me if I'm wrong.

Nowadays the only time you would “see” your friends is online via msn or yahoo messenger due to the hectic workload (Of some people at least, including me), so I have to applaud their innovations and the creator of this application by coming up with another technology for people to stay in touch.

The thing I cannot stand is idiotic photos attached to the icons instead of the individual face. Why ah? So shy meh? Show the world your handsome and beautiful faces lah. Everybody is unique in some ways. I can never tahan typing to a [Hello Kitty], [Pokemon], or [My Little Pony], [Smurf] photos or worse still, some stranger on a skateboard posing. (I find this photo quite popularly used by people) But of course lah, it's your freedom to do post whatever you want. Me? I am just delighted to catch up on hot gossip circulating in the gang.

In Need of Time Out

Rushing to make sense of my project and what format or structure the report should abide by. It is very exhausting juggling both work, especially in the government defense sector and studies at the same time. Combined with the fact that I am engaged with a wonderful woman who required my constant company and attention, which I have no complains mind you, and is obliged to do so. Not to mention the conflicts at home. Really kind of demanding and stretched you to the limit. So yah, basically I have no life at all. Weekends are reserved for my honey and catching up with what I neglected for lectures. No surplus time to dispense with for socializing and meet up with old associates. Which they complained a lot about but heck, I have more important concerns to concentrate on. Like preparing for the future.

I am at what you would call a quarter life crisis periods now (assuming I lived to be 90-plus). Now, how much longer am I going to remain able-bodied enough to work? 30 years? 40 years? 50 years??!!! Wah. If I still need to work for 50 years, how to relax now? Life begins at 50 they say, so I need to ping now to retire at 50, mates! In addition, exactly how much do you require for retiring considering the economic and marketing fluctuations by the time you are 50 years old? People wake up!!! There is no time left!!! Moreover, I have not even included expenses of those with kids yet. Student loan, transport and meal allowances, tutions, clothing, entertainment, medical fee...etc...etc...etc. So do what you will since I can't be bothered anyway. It is your life and you chose which way you want to live it. However, don't blame Bon Jovi 50 years later when you are reflecting back on your life under the bridge, which you used as a joint.

No longer am I able to afford time for chionging anymore or frequent Ktv, billiard centers, pubs like those that I used to in my youth. Now that I have thought about it, what a waste of precious time and money! Damaging your eardrums with the excessively loud disco/techno music, gulping down hard liquor like its plain water. Yah...shiok for that period of moment but terrible hangover the next day. The issue here is time. Which I do not have the luxury to fritter away anymore. People around me always say take it easy. Relax...the boat will be straighten once it reach the harbor. Crap man! That is because people who said that are either rich enough to dwindle away their lives or just pure arrogant and lazy. Unless you plan to live a simple life with little desire or ambitions yet disregarding all those debts dangling around your shoulders like Christmas decors (My goodness...HDB loans, car loans, property tax, income tax, pub bills, ....the list goes on.), by all means go ahead. Otherwise, it is time to get out of your comfort zone. Unless it is your destiny to strike TOTO group 1 prize, I have nothing to say. Even then, the prize money is only considered peanuts nowadays. My folks are an example of simple life- pursuer. That's why I have to start everything from scratch and endure with the suffering....for now. Singapore lifestyles have been structured into such. There is no time for relaxation. Ya, there may be people flashing their status or showing off their spending prowess here and there but 10 years down the road, who knows what may happen.

My motto has always been "Suffer now enjoy later." However, that's just me. Cos my aim in life is to acquire enough wealth to provide for my family and love ones without having to be frugal on daily essential stuff and retire without a care in the world knowing my children are provided for or what I call “self-sustaining” when I kick off my shoes and lumber in the cold Bahamas waters. Until I do, sorry people, have to take a rain check. Beer's on me next time...if we do manage to meet up. Cheers!

The Dawn of an Elite Homo sapiens

27 years ago, a cute and adorable baby boy came forth to this world. The first cries, the first hug, the first tears of an overjoyed couple embarking on their first step into parenthood. (I should hope so!)

“Ooooo…he looks like ‘ji bou kiat’. (Japanese boy) ”
“Sooo…cute and cubby!”



Standard protocol of responses when my folks brought me back for the kampong neighbors to see. (Yes, I do live in a kampong with my grandma during my first few years) As they passed me around from chatty neighbors to neighbors like a ladle in a cocktail party, I slept soundly oblivious to all the idiotic “Ahhh....” and “Oohhh” around me. (I am guessing here. No one likes a crying baby who won't stop, right?) I remember being in my mother's womb, crazy as it may sound....listening to all the conversations she had before I was born. Picking up familiar voices, phrases and knowledge in my fetus form. I guess I really am a genius.

I'm sure all newly promoted parents have high expectations, hopes and dreams for their offspring. Especially their first born. And so I too, was not spared the pressure of living up to my folk's anticipation. Though they really don't expect much of me, as long as I'm healthy and happy. A normal child leading a normal life in a normal world...but they were wrong.



This world was never normal to begin with. And so the battles begin.........