Faith

These past weeks have been really hectic. My fiancee got a new job that pays a lot. However, she is having second thoughts due to many reasons. Be it personnel or environment induced, they are all reasons that are valid. Suddenly the reality of what I am currently involved with sank in. Money, prospects, the unknown future. Though she has not even reached half the number of years that I have been tolling with work, she is getting a lot more salary than me. Is it due to her overseas qualifications? Do not get me wrong. My honey is very qualified and focuses on what she does and puts in a lot of effort in learning new work-related stuff and most of all, tolerating with incompetent bosses. I am really glad and proud of her. However, I admit I am a bit of a male chauvinist pig in some senses that I feel man should always be the breadwinner and earn more than women. Blame it on my egos and traditionalist values.

If possible, I hope to earn enough to provide for her and my family and that she can be the tai-tai she wants to be. Since the age of eight I have been working. Even during secondary and poly, I have been working part times with many odd jobs to support my studies and myself. My buttercup always complain that I have no childhood. What to do? I need to eat right? Where got time to watch cartoons or play 'five stones' ? Should I blame it on fate or that my parent are humble folks who just desire a simple life and puts the welfare of their eldest child second compare to theirs. I did not complain to them then and I will not complain to them now either. Since young I have been supporting myself and know the values of money together with all the strings of evils attached to it and that, survival is really bout the strongest, not the richest. The 'Never say die attitude' . If the world were to end tomorrow, I KNOW I can still manages to stay alive longer than anyone else does.
(In Singapore, people are used to pampered lifestyle. Third world countries would possibly outlive anyone else if Dooms Day came)

I do not have the luxury of a stay at home mum who cooks for her children. I am however grateful to my grandma who took over the task of being my mother while I was an infant and let me say this now though she won't know cos she does not use the internet.
(Sometimes for guys, it is hard to say sorry as suggested in one of Chicago's songs [It's hard for me to say I'm sorry] )

Ah Po, please forgive me if I shouted occasional at you for nagging. I am sorry. I hope that I would be able to let you lead a comfortable life when I really make it big and to let you carry your great grandson soon. (Dear dear, you know what to do now right?)



I have been in the force for almost seven years now. Due to the fact that the market clashed in the 90's and someone needs to help the folks pay for expenses and such. Therefore, I decided to sell seven years of my life to the force. After six and a half years of sweat, blood, time consuming, youth wasting, soul giving and a row of unappreciative bosses later, I am still where I am. Physicality battered, mentally tortured and just marching on the same spot where I was when I sign on the dotted line. There is no significant increase in my salary cos let's face it, we are civil servant so do not expect the government to give you much unless you are some sort of scholar. Actually if you are really a distinguished scholar, you should not stay in the force cos it will be a waste of talent. Unless of course that is where your interest reside. I am beginning to resent the word “civil servant”. Are we just disposable tools that the government can disregard now and then? If you can pay $4,000,00 to someone who changed the name of "Marina Bay" to "Marina Bay", which is actually the same as before, I'm sure you can come up with better description for us government's workers. How many incompetent supervisors and bosses are there in the government sector? Too fucking many! And yet, their seats are iron cast while we are just sparks of dust that are feathered away when they feel like doing some spring cleaning or system modifications.

Some of my colleagues told me that if their girlfriend/spouse earn that much, they would stop working or are able to 'relax a bit' . I was thinking to myself: “Huh??!! You're serious?!!” I mean come on! Those words are supposed to come from a woman's mouth. Isn't it the man's job to bring back the dough?

What happened to the men of today?! Is the society of this era going through a reversive role between the two chromosome species or am I THAT....... back-dated and old-fashioned in thinking?

If I were brought up in a 'normal' family, would I be better off or much worse? Would I also be a pampered spoilt brat instead of being independent now? Would I have at least succeeded in accomplishing one of my dreams and lead a better life? Just how do I even define the term “A better life”?

Does having more money equal more happiness? Makes me wondered about the road I choose. Am I on the right path to success? Am I on the way up or way down? Am I just wasting time?

There is a sensation brewing so strongly in my heart, equips with the ability welded in my brain telling me that I could do better, if I give my all in the outside world. But the fact remains that I am currently bonded with the force and my wings clip off to prevent me from flying. However, in six months time I would have my wings back (Going to ORD soon!) but will I be too old then to soar? Have I wasted too much time rooting in the slump that maybe I have forgotten how to fly? My courage have been failing me lately and things which once makes me energetic and gives me anticipations no longer trills me with any excitement. Is this a sign of age? Have my limbs and mind been so inactive that I no longer dare to dream and seize the day?

No..... I need to stop dwelling on the past. What is done is done. I need to focus on what I am currently doing and concentrate on the future. Life is never fair. I never wished I were born with a silver spoon. Satisfactions only come after all my hard work pays off for me. Not when it is being given to me. No one will treasure things that are thrown to you whenever you asked for it. They will only treasure it if there is a need for them to fight for it. At least for me that's the case. If I were able to turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing.
(Well, maybe two or three. Like buying the winning combinations for all the previous 10 million dollars New Year Toto lucky draws)

I am proud of what I have gone through and achieved in the past to what I am now. The future is forever uncertain. Like a soccer match where two or three goals can be conceived in the last five minutes, just when you think the opposition team has won. ( It may seem K-long a bit lah but still...)

I will focus on the present and give my all. Life is about not living in regrets wondering what would happen if you did not accomplished what you should have done. The key word for me is focus and unweaving faith in the face of obstacles. One day, hopefully not in term of decades, I WILL attain my goals and accomplished my dreams